The Tampon Run

When I first got into this business, I landed an internship with a husband and wife production team that shot commercials. I was super stoked because I really wanted to get into the commercial market, but had never had the opportunity to do so. I knew that my job would be pretty much whatever they needed me to do, and I was ok with that. Then one day, I get a call from the wife, who says she needed me to pick up a few things on my way to the location. The list included tampons. At this point, I should probably point out that I'm male, and I'm an only child. I had managed to get to the age of 25 without ever having to purchase feminine hygiene products. I let her know I would stop at a store and would be in shortly.

I walked in to the grocery store and start grabbing the other items on the list, and then head for the "all things female" aisle. It was at this point that I realized that she didn't really specify what kind and there were seemingly hundreds of options. There were super duper ones, and little tiny ones, and sporty ones. I had no idea what to get. So, in the middle of the store, I called her back. I can't possibly express how awkward that phone call was. She told me what kind she wanted and I immediately grabbed them and headed for the check out. The best part of this awkward story is that the checkout girl ringing up my stuff, picks up the tampons and says, "Heavy flow kinda day, huh?"

Needless to say, I had a hard time looking at my boss in the eyes for awhile.

The Pig

I was the release coordinator/APOC for a reality tv's aftershow. One of the cast members spent the whole season trying to find a pig to buy as a pet, but never found one. The producers decided it would be a brilliant idea to surprise him with one at the aftershow. I had to escort the pig and her two handlers into a room off the stage to keep her a "surprise". When I finally got the cue from the stage manager to get the pig ready, the pig got nervous and freaked out. It started squealing and making a ton of noise so the stage manager tried to call her on earlier. This made the pig even more nervous, causing her to poop as she walked up to the stage, leaving a trail of pig shit from her room all the way through the studio and the stage. (Did I mention that the stage was a bunch of sand?)

Once they wrapped shooting about 15 minutes later, I escorted the pig and her handlers out of the studio and then rounded up a couple of PAs. Between the three of us, we spent a good half hour cleaning up the pig shit. Later, when I went to watch the episode, the pig didn't even it make the final edit of the show.

Yup.

The Sex Offender

 "Take him to Buffalo Wild Wings and then go with him to buy underwear...he didn't bring any with him." Those were my instructions for the day being a PA on the daytime talk tv show I was on. I had just graduated college and it was my first real job in the industry. First, let me tell you that the man I was referring to is a convicted sex offender for exposing himself at a school yard and a possible child molester. He was coming on the show to take a lie detector test to see if he had indeed committed a sex act on a child.

"I don't think I feel comfortable hanging out with him all day by myself", I told my Producer. But I was reminded that it was my job as a PA to entertain him until show time. $8.75 an hour to entertain a sex offender?! WHAT IS MY LIFE?!?! So, sure enough we went to lunch and then shopping at Target to buy him boxers. He even wanted my opinion on what pair to get. (He ended up buying Guitar Hero boxers in case you were interested). Good grief.

Fast forward a year, and this man called me from jail to see how I was doing (I don't even know how he got my cell phone number). The joys of working in talk TV!

The Prank

The last few years of my production life, I've spent a great deal of time with one celeb-reality family in particular. My first gig with the show and the family was spent wrangling talent, meaning an abundance of time with the cast. Over the years, we've all become one big family. I have countless stories to share, but I thought this one might be worth writing.

One weekend, some time ago, the crew followed one of the male cast members and a group of his friends to Vegas. It was a fun one, but on the last day, as we were filming a scene around the breakfast table in the hotel, our favorite cast member decided it would be hilarious to pull one of the biggest pranks of all time on me in particular.

For starters, let me just tell you, I was working as the Release Coordinator at the time, and spent most of the scene running around getting background folks to sign releases. I tell you this, because, well, it's part of the reason the prank worked so well. I was totally oblivious as to what was about to happen.

As I frantically run after someone to get them to sign a release, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I didn't bother taking it out to look, but then I feel the vibrate again. And again. And then I pull out my phone. In one minute, I've had 11 missed calls and 30 something texts. I attempt to slide open my iphone to unlock it, and then my phone just freezes. The calls and the texts just keep coming in, and they won't stop.

Then I look over, and I see everyone, and I mean EVERYONE on the crew and the cast laughing hysterically and watching me. I'm so confused! The texts that I can see (for about half a second, before the next one comes in) say something like, "Cheer up!" and "It'll get better."

Finally, someone explains what's going on. This favorite cast member of mine decided to post MY phone number on his Twitter with a message saying, "My friend is having a hard day, you should call and text her to make her feel better". (At this current moment in time, the guy has 3.3 MILLION Twitter followers.)

So... when all was said and done, my phone died in about 10 minutes from the non-stop text and phone calls. For a few days, I had to keep my phone plugged in to to the charger to even attempt to use it, and I ended up with hundreds and hundreds of texts and calls. Pictures of people defecating, people yelling at me to get over it because the Tsunami in Japan had just happened, plenty of uplifting messages, just so much crazy! I STILL get them to this day, and that was a couple of years ago. Mark that down as one of the most successful pranks EVER.

The Fake Weed Tester

The last PA job I had before moving into the Audio Department, I was on a feature in south Florida.  One day, we were shooting a house party scene where we had four actors getting high on the couch. While we were looking at all of the different kinds of fake weed the director had purchased, one of the actresses somehow talked me into trying them all to see which one was less harsh on the throat. If you asked me ten years ago if I would be making a living testing fake weed for a overly sensitive actress, I would have laughed in your face.

After trying all of them, not only did I feel light headed, but I got a massive headache that would not go away. I did, actually, feel worse for the actors who had to smoke this crap for 3 hours while they were shooting the scene.

The B&E

On one's resume there is an area where you generally leave a list of 'other skills' that you have. Unusual things that may or may not be useful to a prospective employer. You may list something like 'fluent in Spanish' (always useful working in Florida) or maybe 'taught professional ballet for four years' (heck, you never know, maybe the gig is about the ballet)

I have an entry that reads simply: Proficient at B&E

This usually gets the employer to pause and look at me and then ask 'huh?'

So I tell them; It was probably my first 'real' job in the industry. I'd done some minor things but now I was working on an actual motion picture. There were stars in it from movies I had actually seen in movie theaters. The people I was working with had done big budget shows. I'd seen the Director's other film and liked it. This was a movie with a big budget and a major studio behind it. Awesome for me! So, my main goal was to be as cool as I could manage to make a good impression. I was young, I was eager to please, I had trouble saying no - in other words, a perfect Office PA.

So it came to pass that one of the Producers had a close relative working on the show, a younger kid who the Producer was helping out. I'm sure you all know that sort of deal. So there I am, in the PO working the hard nights shift due to the filming schedule (the fact that it's the middle of the night *will* be relevant later, so pay attention), when a call comes in. It's the Producer, his relative has not shown up for work.

He wants us to find him.

We (and by 'we' I mean the Coordinator told 'me' to do it) called his cell, called his apartment phone, called his roommate. Nothing happening.

The Producer is not pleased.

"Maybe someone should drive over to his apartment and see if he's there?"

As we all know, in a PO when 'someone' needs to do something, that means a PA needs to do something. So I gather up my gear, pull up the directions to his house, and am about to walk out the door when I make my first mistake. I check in with the Coordinator and verify my instructions;

"I'm going over there to see if he's home, and then I'll call back, right?"

"No, The Producer wants you to see if he's there. If he's there call the Producer, if he's not there call the Line Producer." This should have been my first sign of danger. But, hey, I was young.

The Line Producer in question, whom we shall call Mr. Lobo (which about sums him up...seriously, imagine every cliche you can about a producer on set away from his family. The guy was a powerhouse of drinking, wenching, and being generally awesome and ridiculous in equal measure. I loved working with him, but he was more force of nature than mortal man...this will also be important to remember)

So I get to the apartment which is dark and empty looking. I still go and bang on the door and check the garage. Even then I knew in a vague and unclear sense that calling Mr. Lobo would end poorly somehow, so I rapped on some windows and even pulled the cliche of tossing a few small pebbles at the upper story window I suspected was the bedroom.

Nothing.

So...at that point, I call Mr. Lobo.

This was my second mistake.

"He's not there?"

"No sir, I called him, I rang the doorbell, banged the door, I even knocked on windows and threw small pebbles at his bedroom window."

"Oh...well...all that noise you made...did you wake up any of the neighbors?"

This *really* should have been a warning for me.
But I was still young and stupid.

"No sir, all their lights are out," I answer like a raging idiot.

This was my third mistake.

"Good," Lobo announces.

It was at this point I was told, quite explicitly, that my job was to break into the house and make sure if the Producer's relative was in there he wasn't passed out drunk or in danger or dead or something.

Mr. Lobo *was* pretty helpful about it, as he did have extensive advice for how to manage to find my way in, no I don't know why he had all this experience (maybe he was a PA once too). And, really, here I was, a newish PA, just busting into the big show, with one of the most important people on set telling me to break into a private residence. What options were before me?

I was going to do some Breaking and Entering.

Thus it was that I, in the middle of the night, found myself jimmying open a window and sliding through it to stalk around a house. I'll spare you the rest of the details (me starting to think it was a elaborate prank and being scared of walking around the house) or of some of the adventures that followed (wherein I *did* go to jail twice that night, albeit not under arrest either time)

But I think the point is clear, in this industry...you do some....non-standard things on company time.

That's why I make sure to always note B&E on my resume.
Because, hey, you never know.

Maybe you're working for Mr. Lobo.

The Dress

Mrs. Portman is not the actress in the story. I just like this picture.

I still actually have to ask myself if this really happened to me. And none of my friends believe it. One day, as part of the AD team, I was designated to babysit our lead actress for the day. I won't give you her name, but I'll say that she is probably near the top of most guys' lists of actresses they are allowed to cheat on their wives with. She was hot. Like unbelievably hot. And I was getting paid to spend the whole day with her.

When I arrived at her trailer to introduce myself, some of her entourage was hanging around outside smoking. I said hello, and asked if she was inside. One of the guys said she was changing and would be out in a minute. I waited a few minutes and knocked. She told me to come in. I wasn't at all prepared for what happened next. I opened the door and stepped inside, to see her half dressed with the whole back side of her dress open. I apologized and backed up, trying to get out of there and save both of us some embarrassment (but mostly me). She laughed and told me it was ok. Then, she asked me to help zip up her dress. It was like a scene out of some ridiculous romantic comedy. Awkward PA zipping up beautiful actress' dress. And I'm pretty sure I heard music playing when I did it.

She was totally cool with it, whereas I was pretty much losing my mind. I at least pretended to be professional, so we could move on with our day. It was a great day, but that one moment will stick with me for life.